


Crying Can Be a Good Thing

by purplecrayons



Series: Piano, Art and Crystal Meth Series [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Grief/Mourning, M/M, Past Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-30
Updated: 2013-06-30
Packaged: 2017-12-16 17:21:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/864621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purplecrayons/pseuds/purplecrayons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to Piano, Art and Crystal Meth<br/>“I’ve been able to quit the meth and all the other drugs but the cigarettes, they’ve been a bitch,” I say.  I take another drag of the cigarette in my hand.  It shakes but I’ve become steadier and my head has become clearer. It’s been seven years since Louis’ death and I’ve improved.  I can almost hear him saying, “It’s been seven years and you haven’t visited me once.  It’s okay. I understand why you haven’t visited but I would have at least expected you to have quit smoking by now.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crying Can Be a Good Thing

**Author's Note:**

> Sequel to Piano, Art and Crystal Meth with a word count of ~2,000. More sad stuff so get the tissues ready.  
> I own nothing. No really I live in a card board box and steal wifi from innocent passerbys.  
> Tumblr: all5guysof1d.tumblr.com

“I’ve been able to quit the meth and all the other drugs but the cigarettes, they’ve been a bitch,” I say.  I take another drag of the cigarette in my hand.  It shakes but I’ve become steadier and my head has become clearer. It’s been seven years since Louis’ death and I’ve improved.  I can almost hear him saying, “It’s been seven years and you haven’t visited me once.  It’s okay. I understand why you haven’t visited but I would have at least expected you to have quit smoking by now.”

I can hear Louis’ laugh and see his eyes crinkle up as he does, before he returns to pressing the black and white keys of his piano, a smile on his face.  The tone is happy at first, perhaps joyful about the reunion of old friends.  I stand and listen, the wind blowing out the flame of my cigarette and leaving my lips chapped.  Soon, the tune turns melancholy and my heart bursts.  For the first time in seven years I allow myself to cry without any restriction.  The crying is ugly and snotty and full of hiccupping and gasping for breath but I couldn’t care less.  This is me seeking forgiveness from the one person who treated me as a person.  Lou was the one person who could forgive me for all that I had done.  Too bad for me his kindness did not extend after death.

“Louis, I’m so sorry.  I knew how much time you had left and I ignored it.  I promised you I would be there for you when it was your time.  I wasn’t and I can never forgive myself for that.  I was off getting high, trying to forget how unfair the world is, when you are one of the people who knew that more than anyone else.  I wish I could look into your eyes just one more time.

“ I’m hoping to get a job at this art shop.  It’s called Dav’s Art.  I think that’s the place you got my art supplies at.  I can almost see you looking through everything there to find the perfect present.  They don’t pay the best but they’re the only shop so far to show any interest in hiring me.  Plus, the money will help me get a small apartment so I can get out of this cold.”

As if on cue, it begins to snow.  I can hear Lou laughing at me from whence the snow came.  It’s truly beautiful enough to come from heaven but cold enough to be a joke sent from only Lou himself.  He could be downright cruel sometimes.  It’s so cold I’m almost tempted to leave.  Then again, as I sit down next to the stone and wrap my jacket tighter around me, I get another idea. 

“This is your way of telling me to leave and not dwell on the past isn’t it?  Just a few minutes ago you were scolding me for not coming to see you sooner!  You’re a piece of work Louis, you always were,” I say.  Yawning, I lean back against the stone.  It’s soothing to be so close to him again.  For the first time I realize how long it’s been since I last slept.  Who can blame me when I fall asleep as close to Louis as I can?  Who can blame me when I dream of him, the only person I had loved for years.

“I’m the piece of work?” he says.  His smirk grows and he sits down beside me.  “You could have my family right now.  My mother offered you that when she left the cd.  Your life could have improved drastically.  Even after I died she would have accepted you with open arms.  She loved you almost as much as I did.”

“That wouldn’t have helped me.  I couldn’t accept you or your mother’s charity.”

“It wasn’t charity,” he says.  His face is dead serious. “I know how guilty you felt after my death but it wasn’t warranted, I knew you would come back to me eventually, and here you are.”

“Yes.  Well, I’ve begun to figure things out.  The truth is I didn’t accept your mother’s offer because I needed to figure things out for myself.”

“And how’s that working out for you?” Lou asks.

“Not as well as I’d thought, but I’m getting there slowly.”

“Hurry u-“

“Getting where? Harry are you okay? What are you talking about? Harry?” asks a voice.

“Louis?” I ask.  I blink several times, opening my eyes and readjusting them to the light.  Looking down at me is a slender figure, with brown hair and bright blue eyes.  For a second I believe it really is Louis.  It’s only for that precious second before all of my thoughts and worries flood back into my mind and I jerk away.

“Harry? Are you okay sweetie?  You look thinner than when I last saw you.”

Its then that it dawns on me.  It’s Louis’ mom.  No.  I have to get out of here.  I’ve worked and worked to keep myself as far away as possible from Louis and any painful reminders of him, and here they all are tumbling down on me at once.  I feel as if I can’t breathe and I can feel my eyes welling up.  I try to scoot away on my butt.  A warm hand on my cold one stops me and I look up.

“Harry,”

“Ms. Johnson,”

She pulls me in for hug. “ Call me Jay.”

“Jay,” I repeat back, blankly.

She pulls back and looks at me with a look that reminds me so much of Louis.  I can feel the heart I’ve been trying to mend since Louis’ death shatter into even tinier pieces.

“You didn’t answer my questions just then,” Jay says.  “Are you getting enough to eat?”

“Yes, I think,” I say.  It’s a lie and we both know it.

“You’re a horrible liar, Harry,” she says. “That piled on top of mother’s intuition and you’re doomed.”  She laughs and it sound so much like Louis’.  “Come, on.  Let’s get you out of the cold.”

She takes me to her car and turns the heater on full blast.  I have to admit, it’s a welcomed relief.

“I’ve stopped doing meth you know,” I say.  The silence before wasn’t uncomfortable but I felt like I needed to say something.

“Louis would’ve been proud,” says Jay.

“I know,” I say, “That’s why I did it.” I say, “For him.”

Jay reaches over and puts her hand over my shaking one.

“Let me take you home.  You’re starving and freezing out here.”

I start to shake my head but she continues.

“Just until you get back on your feet. Please Harry, let me do this _one_ thing to repay you.”

“Why would you need to repay me?’ I ask.   “Louis was the one who saved me from the meth.”

“You were there with him.  He wasn’t doing very well before he met you.   He was sad and unreachable. He was lonely but shut himself off from the world.  You somehow convinced him to let you in and you stayed with him until the end.”

“Not at the very end.  I was too busy-“

Jay cuts me off.  “It was good enough to give him hope.  He forgave you in the end and that’s what counts.”

She starts the car and against my weak objection, drives away from the park.  I’m tempted to ask where we’re going but I already know.  We’re headed to Louis’ house.  We’re going to the place that once felt like home to me.

Now, as we pull into the driveway it doesn’t feel like the home I once knew.  All of the life has left.  Left with Louis.  All that remains is the cold skeleton of a once inviting house.  As we get out of the car memories flood my mind.  As cold as this house seems, the thought of being just _that_ mush closer to Louis makes me stop in my tracks.  Jay walks past me and takes my hand lightly as she does.  She guides me up the steps and unlocks the front door.  I take a huge breath before I step inside.  The first thing I see is Louis’ piano across the room and _NO,_ nothing could have prepared me for that.

I’m standing there with my eyes welling up when Jay comes back over to me.  She helps me take of my jacket pulling one arm out slowly and then the other.  I’m helpless to do it on my own, stuck in my own thoughts. Jay goes to put my coat away and I wander to the piano, picking up sheet music from the top.  It doesn’t mean much to me just a bunch of scribble.

“Would you like a cuppa?” She speaks from the doorway where she’s leaning on the doorframe.  The one with all of Louis’ heights marked on it.   _That_ is what sends me over the edge.  I cry.  It’s just as ugly of a cry as the one from the graveyard. Jay rushes to my side and hugs me.  She rubs my back until I catch my breath and wipes the tears off my cheeks. 

 “I’ve been crying a lot lately,” I say.  “I didn’t cry for the longest time and now…”

“Crying is good,” Jay says.  . “You’re not bottling all that emotion up anymore.”

“But I feel so horrible!” I say.

“That’s perfectly normal,” says Jay. “It means you’re grieving.  Right after Louis died I felt horrible too.  I was grieving.  Now I’m through that process and I feel better.  I still have moments or sometimes even days where I’m sad.  Days where I feel like the whole world is falling in on me.  But because I grieved, I know that Louis wouldn’t have wanted that for me.  He would have wanted me to keep living.  I’m sure that’s what he wanted for you to do too.  That’s why it’s okay to feel horrible.  To cry.  It’ll all help you become a better person.  Maybe this better version of you will help someone else the way Louis helped you.  Try to make some good of this terrible situation.

“Let me get you that cuppa now, okay?”

I nod and wipe my nose on my sleeve.  Maybe Jay’s right.  I should make the best of this.  Tonight I would rest and get situated into my new home.  Tomorrow I would get up early, got to Dav’s Art.  I would get that job goddammit. 

 

[Tumblr](all5guysof1d.tumblr.com)


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